Deepest, Darkest
by lucy the divaqueen
Summary: In exploring Hogwarts, Remus and Sirius stumble upon the Mirror of Erised. T for language. RemusxSirius.


_An: Because it was too beautiful..._

"Bugger this."

"No."

"What?"

"We can't just bugger it, we're trapped down here, and what, is 'it', exactly, that you want to bugger? That make's no grammatical sense."

"Its a figure of speech, mate. But more importantly, I _can't see my own hand_ in front of my _own fucking face_. There could be a giant sewer monster charging at me right now and I wouldn't even notice it _because I am blind_."

"You would so notice it. It would make noise."

"Not if its a silent sewer monster. I bet it floats. Or if its the ghost of giant sewer monsters past. Hello, I think I see it, sort of pale and spectral over thataways. It wants you, Rem, it wants to kill you and make you its sewer love monkey."

"That is truly heinous, and there is no spectral thing."

"Yes there is. Over there. Floating yea high."

"I can't see where yea high is. It is _as dark as your soul in here_, in case you couldn't tell. I am shaking in my metaphorical boots for your sanity at this point."

"Over by the...to your left...but where are you?...oh, bugger. Don't you see it?"

"Splendid, Sirius. Now I'm stuck in a room that is apparently the distant relative of a black hole and I am also trapped inside it with a madly hallucinating teenage dog."

"You're a teenager too, you ponce, stop saying it like an insult."

"It's only an insult in your case. Oh! Hello, glowing white thing! I see it!"

"I told you. Ha! Bow to my superiority!"

"If I'm not eaten by a massive spectral sewer thing bent on sharing eternal bliss with me as I travel through its ghostly bowels, I will grovel at your combat boots."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Rem?"

"What?"

"Is it just me, or is it getting closer?"

"Do you need to ask all these questions? I didn't need to know that."

"I am severely disappointed in your lack of action and curiosity. Don't you want to go discover what it is?"

"I prefer to keep all my limbs, thanks. But if you feel the need to discover, please, feel free."

"Marlene likes me with all my limbs. I can't let down a lady, you understand, even if the sexy battle scars would be quite fetching. I must emphasize this: I never, ever, fail my women. Eh, Moony? EH?"

"Sirius, you dumped your last girlfriend on Valentine's day."

"Your point?"

"Never mind. It's getting closer."

"So it is. I just want to let you know that it has been an honour serving with you, my comrade. Never shall I forget our romps through the forest, our frolicking fun, our detentions-.."

"Your detentions. Your detentions that I got dragged along to."

"Irregardless, I still have to-.. Whoops! Hello! That's a body. Is that your marvelous body, Rem? Or is it someone else's cadaver, chewed to exquisite oblivion by sewer beasties?"

"No no. That's me. I think this is all just a blind excuse to get me alone and grope me. You and James organized it all. The sewer monster is probably just Peter sitting up ahead with a flashlight, taking pictures of our indecency to publicize. You'll go home, bemoaning the precious seconds during which I was yours. I bet you'll never wash that hand again."

"Well, in anycase, the washing for the rest of my life won't be a problem as my life is apparently about to end in the next five seconds via giant glowing ball of malice coming towards us."

"We don't know that it's full of malice. It could be a very nice little glowing ball. Like massive floating pom-pom. Or the contents of Professor Binn's spectral toilet."

"Yergh. I think I just passed out briefly at that truly grotesque idea. Can ghosts even shit? They don't eat…. By the by, where ARE our wands?"

…..

"We are idiots. Big, fat, useless idiots. Lumos."

"Never have I seen a more beutific face. Albeit, an idiotic face for never once thinking of our _goddamn wands_, fuck, are we useless excuses for wizards."

"Useless excuses, ha, the tongue-twister. Look, Sirius. It was just a mirror. Which means it never got closer to us at all."

"Hem. I maintain my point is valid. It could have legs. You never know. My aunt has a trunk that eats anyone who tries to open it other than her."

"Yes, but that's your aunt. There needs to be a rule that your family cannot be used as examples of normalacy."

"Why not? they produced me?"

"Yes, you, the sparkling beacon of sanity."

"Right, right. Kriky, look at it. Massive old thing, innit? And what's the point of all that latin?"

"_Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi"_

"Gesundheit."

"No, that's what it says on the top. And its distinctly _not_ latin. D'you think it's phonetics for runes? No, of course not…..A cipher? Or a language? Damn, maybe its encoded."

"Sorry to interrupt the foreplay, but I'd like to get out of here, Moony. Can't you caress your moldy old words later?"

_There is a pause as the two boys finally process what they are seeing_

"Sirius. What. Are. You. Doing."

"Excuse me?"

"The mirror! Look at the damn mirror! There's a full moon, but it isn't the full moon, and you're….you're…."

"Bloody hell. What is this, a fetish enchantment? I'm not seeing the full moon though, mate, sorry."  
"I don't understand, I mean, obviously we're not…."

"Obviously. I know that you lack the sexual urges most humans experience, moony, but I think you'd be able to tell if I was…well, you know."

….

"Look at us go. Good heavens. My chaste and virginal brain cannot comprehend this. I feel tainted."

"_You_ feel tainted? What'll Marlene say?"

"Most probably, Wanna have a threesome?"  
"Good point. I think we should bring James and Pete here, so they can have a turn watching themselves go at each other. And take pictures."

" I think I'll join you."

"Right."

"Right."

_A Good While Later..._

"You don't see it?"

"Holy gods."

"HA! We told you. We told you it was the fetish mirror! May you have haunting nightmares about those lips, my friend. Never again will you carress this silken black hair in such a way."

"Black? Sirius, her hair's red."

"Whose hair? My hair isn't red."

"Well, its certainly not you that I'm snogging in that mirror. Holy hell. Merlin's pants. She's flexible, too."

"_Who_?"

"Evans, obviously!"

"Obviously?"

"Well, yes. The mirror even says it. "I show not your face but your heart's desire'. Its reflected in my glasses. So, obviously its Evans."

…

"Would you…..would you mind…_not_ telling anyone about this. ever?"

"Sure, sure, whatever you say. Now go away. I need some alone time with my heart's desire."

"ack."

"Good_bye_."

_an: I know that the Mirror of Erised is supposed to be deep and meaningful and all that, but here is my bullshit pretentious author defense: First, they are horny teenagers. They want certain things. Second, what is a deeper desire than being able to release a secret that you keep closer to yourself than any other? That's why the moon shows with Lupin, too- his desire is to be unburdened of both his secrets, to have his affliction lifted and to be able to love (make out with) who he wants without scorn._

_bs? most certainly. please, please, please review. It's pathetic how much I want you to. just pathetic._


End file.
